tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4792815515390696434.post2290112732141384695..comments2023-04-13T08:06:59.988-07:00Comments on To Live in a Rainbow: KeliaMeganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11943536028984842299noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4792815515390696434.post-85718336045690712512008-03-17T08:21:00.000-07:002008-03-17T08:21:00.000-07:00Yes, I think it is better...but only you can decid...Yes, I think it is better...but only you can decide that in the end.<BR/><BR/>The last lines are powerful...but try:<BR/><BR/>"I can see it clearly now<BR/>Wrapped in echoes of song...the joy!"<BR/><BR/>That might be more accurate than the "instead of" idea.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07023413530687513199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4792815515390696434.post-25844273875971374622008-03-16T11:32:00.000-07:002008-03-16T11:32:00.000-07:00Is this better? I cant really tell... The piano si...Is this better? I cant really tell... <BR/><BR/>The piano sits across the room<BR/>Its cover closed so as to think its sleeping.<BR/>But I can still hear an echo of the song<BR/>Feel the smooth keys beneath my fingers<BR/>And that quiet peace is still there.<BR/>Its like trying to catch mist<BR/>Or holding light in your hands, <BR/>Describing peace.<BR/>But with every song I play<BR/>Whether soft like raindrops<BR/>Or loud as booming thunder<BR/>The peace is there.<BR/>The piano is still closed<BR/>Apparently sleeping.<BR/>But all around it-<BR/>I can see it clearly now<BR/>Are not the echoes of songs, but joy.KeliaMeganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11943536028984842299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4792815515390696434.post-8462631259008420972008-03-15T12:25:00.000-07:002008-03-15T12:25:00.000-07:00I like the original version of that line better. :...I like the original version of that line better. :)Sarah (tuulenhaiven)https://www.blogger.com/profile/11007601900702081303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4792815515390696434.post-60902602608017108342008-03-15T04:31:00.000-07:002008-03-15T04:31:00.000-07:00Hi Kelia,I really like this poem...the central ima...Hi Kelia,<BR/><BR/>I really like this poem...the central image of the sleeping piano is very strong. It deserves some more work.<BR/><BR/>One of the essentials of poetry is pattern...every poem has to have a pattern you can see, or more often, hear. Take out a book of your favorite poems and read several...see if you can hear, feel, or see the patten the author was using. Can you do the same for your poems?<BR/><BR/>On this one, Sarah is right...the center is full of ideas...the beginning and end are about something real...try taking out the center. Maybe you can capture those ideas with the description of the piano, without ever coming right out and saying them...or at least without whole lines devoted to the idea.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07023413530687513199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4792815515390696434.post-64846130954637564012008-03-14T17:47:00.000-07:002008-03-14T17:47:00.000-07:00I see what you mean, it probably feels like that c...I see what you mean, it probably feels like that cause I took out a bunch of lines. <BR/><BR/>Just one part thats been bothering me, would it be better to do <BR/><BR/>'Poetry cannot put it into words<BR/>and so we come back to music'<BR/> <BR/>instead of<BR/><BR/>'Its one of the few things that poetry<BR/>cannot put into words.'<BR/><BR/>or just take out that line? But thanks! I really appreciate it.KeliaMeganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11943536028984842299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4792815515390696434.post-42812844379166704902008-03-13T07:43:00.000-07:002008-03-13T07:43:00.000-07:00I like the lines - "It's like trying to catch mist...I like the lines - "It's like trying to catch mist/or light in your hands" and the idea that it's easier to discribe peace through music.<BR/><BR/>However, the poem feels a little disjointed. I like the piano descriptions, and the peace/music descriptions, but I almost feel like this could really be two poems. Hmmm. Not sure.<BR/><BR/>I look forward to reading more!Sarah (tuulenhaiven)https://www.blogger.com/profile/11007601900702081303noreply@blogger.com