Friday, December 5, 2008

Poem

Three people: One storm

The sky is crying
The clouds are growling
The wind is howling
The sea is roaring
The rain is pouring
The world is dying.

Rain drops spin and twirl
From sky to earth
Translucent
Shimmering
They catch the light
And throw it
Changed
In to the air
Each drop a dance
Celebrating life.

Tear drops trickle down
The window pane
Your forehead’s leaned
Against the glass
Your room is dark
The sky is black
You watch the rain.
‘It all will pass,’
You tell your self
As tears pound down
And lash and scream
For day to come
For day to come.


Does this poem work? I'm not exactly sure. And also, which do you like better, the version of the poem I posted last, or that poem like this?

Night, has painted it’s wings black
And hidden the moon tonight
Trees, quiver and sway
Back and forth,
Wind, shivers and sweeps
the sky away
The stars are gone
Moonlight is memory
and nothing more
Earth, it splinters and spins away
A sight that empties and fills your brain
Till all you can see is black

Erin read the first version and said it didn't read well, she thought this was much better. What do you think?
Kelia

3 comments:

Steve Ingraham said...

I like the 2nd version of the 2nd poem. Reads better.

I like the 2nd and 3rd stanzas of the 1st poem. I don't think the first stanza works, nor is it needed. IMHO. :)

KrazyK said...

Okay, thanks :)

tuulenhaiven said...

I also like the second version of the second poem. It's funny how just changing the flow of the lines can make for a much better poem - even if the words are the same! That's cool.

I like the idea of the first poem - the storm from three different view-points, but I don't like the first stanza. It seems...to abrupt? Something...

Glad to see you're still writing poems!