Monday, March 2, 2009

New Poem

Here is a poem I wrote two minutes ago. I put spaces where it felt natural to me, but does that make it look too much like there's verses?

You read things
hear things
see things
and your heart is touched.

Filled to bursting
with bittersweet joy
and pain that turns to hope

lifting through the sorrows
of other people's lives
you see yours
for the first time

your heart must
be touched
and you soar
through the drizzle
and the blizzard
and the overflowing rain

look back; life glimmers
with these moments
when you sense the change
of pain turning to hope
within you.



Steve Ingraham said...

I like it all but the last stanza (not verses but maybe stanzas). The breaks help me to know how you would read it. The last stanza needs work...I feel like you are saying too much, not leaving enough mystery. Get that idea of transforming sorrow to hope in there without spelling it out and it might be better. IMHO. :)

KrazyK said...

Would this be a better last stanza? It has a different meaning, but I think it works better. But I don't know if it's still too much telling.

look back; life glimmers
with these tiny moments
when who you are
is forced aside
and all is hope
and sadness
and love
within you.

Anonymous said...

I think the poem flows really well. I agree with Dad about the last stanza, but I like the poem overall. :)

Anonymous said...

Whoops, just notices your re-write. Hmmm, have to think about that...