Here is another poem I wrote recently, I'm not going to go in order anymore I'll just do what I feel like. So I really like this poem but if there's any way I could make it better...?
The piano sits across the room
its cover closed so as to think its sleeping.
But I can still hear an echo of the song
feel the smooth keys beneath my fingures
and that quiet peace is still there.
A peace like the sunset
or rain on a summers eve,
a peace like the sea and the
clear, blue sky.
Its like trying to catch mist
or holding light in your hands,
describing peace.
Its one of the few things that poetry
cannot put into words.
And so we come back to music
time and time again
songs that make us feel wonderful
and in the depths of despair.
But always the peace is there.
The piano is still closed - apparently sleeping.
but all around it - I can see it clearly now -
are not the echoes of songs, but joy.
Kelia
6 comments:
I like the lines - "It's like trying to catch mist/or light in your hands" and the idea that it's easier to discribe peace through music.
However, the poem feels a little disjointed. I like the piano descriptions, and the peace/music descriptions, but I almost feel like this could really be two poems. Hmmm. Not sure.
I look forward to reading more!
I see what you mean, it probably feels like that cause I took out a bunch of lines.
Just one part thats been bothering me, would it be better to do
'Poetry cannot put it into words
and so we come back to music'
instead of
'Its one of the few things that poetry
cannot put into words.'
or just take out that line? But thanks! I really appreciate it.
Hi Kelia,
I really like this poem...the central image of the sleeping piano is very strong. It deserves some more work.
One of the essentials of poetry is pattern...every poem has to have a pattern you can see, or more often, hear. Take out a book of your favorite poems and read several...see if you can hear, feel, or see the patten the author was using. Can you do the same for your poems?
On this one, Sarah is right...the center is full of ideas...the beginning and end are about something real...try taking out the center. Maybe you can capture those ideas with the description of the piano, without ever coming right out and saying them...or at least without whole lines devoted to the idea.
I like the original version of that line better. :)
Is this better? I cant really tell...
The piano sits across the room
Its cover closed so as to think its sleeping.
But I can still hear an echo of the song
Feel the smooth keys beneath my fingers
And that quiet peace is still there.
Its like trying to catch mist
Or holding light in your hands,
Describing peace.
But with every song I play
Whether soft like raindrops
Or loud as booming thunder
The peace is there.
The piano is still closed
Apparently sleeping.
But all around it-
I can see it clearly now
Are not the echoes of songs, but joy.
Yes, I think it is better...but only you can decide that in the end.
The last lines are powerful...but try:
"I can see it clearly now
Wrapped in echoes of song...the joy!"
That might be more accurate than the "instead of" idea.
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