Monday, March 31, 2008

What do you think?

Today I wrote this poem. And I really dont know what to think about it.

First version:

The music plays
a casual background song
that I've heard many times before.
But when I stop reading or talking
stop to think
the music wraps me in its spell
and my mind is free to wander.
Cliche's dont seem so bad,
tragedies seem romantic,
and all is wonderful in this world of mine.
My words dance
as they start to flow across the page
my heart soaring as the music sings.
And then
the music starts to fade
I grasp at the last notes
but already the air seems stale
my words harsh
and the real worlds glares at me
in muted colors.
All is silent and I feel like crumpeling the page
for with the glory of the music
has flown my inspiration.
Then the next song starts...

So then I tried to re-write it, turning up with a very strange very different second draft. The beginning of it each verse kind of does its own thing, but to somewhat of a pattern. Then the end is pretty much like the first end. But which do you like better?

Music plays,
in the background,
it distracts
me from my book,
draws me in,
the notes bind me,
and I am
under its spell.

My heart soars with the crecendo
my pen flies across the page,
words alive they dance to music
music full of joy and rage.

I feel like singing
I feel like shouting
I feel like writing
it all down,
all the soppy lines
all the crazy lines
and the ones that
do not rhyme - at all.

And then
the music starts to fade
I grasp at the last
dwindling notes
but already the air seems stale,
my words harsh,
and the real world glares at me
in muted colors.
It feels like my heart
will never sing again.
And then the next song starts...

??
Kelia

3 comments:

Steve Ingraham said...

I like the second version better. It is punchier, more rhythmic, and somehow fresher...more original. Except for the line "My heart will sing no more..." That strikes a false note (so to speak, in honor of the poem). What else can you do there?

Sarah said...

I too like the second version better. It definitely flows better.

KrazyK said...

Thanks! Maybe I'll just take out that line.